You don't know Jack Shit

Where it originated is still a mystery. The saying implies that one should know Jack Shit to be accepted in present company. If that is true Jack Shit must have been a real person, a person of some distinction because it was obviously prestigious to know him. A cursory glance in whitepages .com reveals a Kim Shit in Norwalk California and a Beverly in Torrance, and even a Shitjing Ho in San Jose, but no Jack. Even so, I wonder if he was a foreigner. Maybe his first name was Jacque. That would place him either in Europe, Quebec or a French providence. Finding the real deal could turn out to be a chore.

So we have established that there actually are people whose last name is Shit, but we can only guess where the expression came from. What if someone called you one day and said, “Hello, I would like to formally introduce myself. My name is Jack Shit”. I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure of my reaction to be one of disbelief.

Consider the following scenario.

“I don’t know Jack Shit”. I would probably answer.

"That’s right Sir. You don’t know me but I know you. My name has become something a common saying for people synomous of ignorance. The problem arises when I want to use the expression.

I can’t really use the expression because they are indeed speaking to Jack Shit, and the expression: 'You don’t know Jack Shit' just doesn’t fit in that case, does it. When I feel like saying it I get all tongue-tied and end up stuttering.

I was wondering if I could use your name instead of mine.”

“How many other people have you called regarding this Jack?”

“Shit. I dunno. “You’re about #236 I think”

“So let me guess. The reason you’re calling me is that all of them told you to jump into the lake. Right?”

“Shit and fall back in it. That’s right!”, replies Jack.

“What gives you the idea I want my name being used like that? Besides, it doesn’t quite have the same catchy chutzpa to it. Does it Jack?

Look..Jack. Have any of the other 235 people you’ve called made any suggestions? “

“Shit yes they have, but I don’t like them. I want to have something catchy to say when I’m speaking to someone who I consider an ignoramus. Comebacks like: Up yours you shit know-nothing’ pile of mother loving garbage is a little over the top. Shit! I need something with a punch, yet subtle like… You don’t know Jack Shit. “

“Well Jack lets give this a think. Have you considered changing it up a bit, saying the same thing in a foreign language or accent? Maybe that would work for you. Here, lets try a few.

German: Dumkopf! Sie wissen nicht Jack Shise.

French: Vous ne connaissez pa Jacque merde.

Or my personal favorite:

Spanish: Chew donno Chack Chit Mon.

Do any of those yank your chain Jack? “

“I sort of like the Spanish one. The other two aren’t worth a shit as far as I’m concerned. “

“Well, why not live with it for a while. Roll it around. Try it on for a few days and it may get comfy for you.”

“Chew donno Jhack Chit. Chudunno Chack Chit. Chew dunnoChackChit. ChewdunnoJackChit. “Shithousemouse! It’s starting to feel good already. It’s sort of like this guy Chack Chit is a different person but with the same flow. Shit! I think I’m going to like it. Let me loosen up a little. Chackchackchackchack …chit chit chitchitchitchitchit.

“Yeah! I like this shit. This is the shit that will keep me singing like a little shitty songbird. ChewdunnoChackChitChewdunnoChackChit..ChitChitChitChitChit. It certainly does have that shitty little ring to it. “

“Do you mind me asking who gave you your name Jack? “

“For some odd reason lots of people ask me that. My father’s name was Shitbird, coincidentally; my mother, a native of Senegal ; her first name was Shitngit. Pop named his string of drive-in pay toilets after her. Pop had his last name officially changed to Shit. . His brother followed suit. His first name is Giva, and his wife Aunt Olivia we call her ‘O’ for short, had the twins, Holly and Alotta. Alotta was her middle name, which she preferred. Her first name was Tots. When Baby Shit arrived unexpectedly all Mom would say was “Shit happens”. I think Mom’s name has a nice rhythm to it don’t you? Shitngit Shit from Senegal. I had a pretty good childhood. First of all we lived in a shithole, my grandparents affectionately called it the Shitshack, my parents treated me like shit, my mothers cooking tasted like shit and ironically we didn’t even have indoor plumbing. Pop was a bit of a tightwad and had one of his pay toilets installed outback.He wanted me to go into the family business with him, but I cut out and started my own septic tank pumping business. You've heard of Shitsuckers Inc? That's me. Yeah! That’s a rundown on the name but what is still a mystery to me is how it came to be associated with people who don’t know shit. I suppose if they don't know anyone in my family then they really don't know Shit. In that case shouldn't it be: 'You don't know Shit; rather than me personally? “

“ I wish I could tell you Jack. It was good talking to you. If there is anything else I can help you with just give me a ring. You were a great help to me also. Now I can tell anyone accuses me of not knowing you that I do indeed know Jack Shit.”





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